Dutch Men Who Live with Their Parents

I don’t know who you are, but someone came to this blog looking for information on Dutch men who live with their parents.

Stop. Turn around. And go. You do NOT want to be with a Dutchman who lives with his parents. There are certain cultures in this world where people live with their parents until marriage and beyond. The Netherlands is NOT one of them!!! The boy has mother issues. (I don’t care if he’s 42, if he still lives with his parents, he’s a boy.)

The boy needs a mother and if you for some reason ends up cohabitating with him, he will expect you to be his mother, even if you have a job outside the home and are the sexiest little number to grace the land of cheese and tulip. And let me tell you, even if you are the most fab cook in the world and have won Top Chef three seasons running, your cooking will never be as good as his mothers.

“Oh, but I like him,” you say. Yeah, good. He’s human so he probably has some redeeming qualities. And perhaps you’re alone in a foreign country so you’re feeling a bit insecure. But you’re not his mother. And after you get over your initial loneliness and insecurities, you will meet a man who treats you for the fine young thing you are.

“But he has a reason…” What? He can’t do his own laundry? He just came back to Cloggie Land after rebuilding the dams of New Orleans and can’t find a new dam to rebuild and pay his rent? Uhm, no. The Dutch area very do-it-yourself kind of people. Go check out your nearest Doe-Het-Zelf or Gamma store for evidence.

The Dutch are not known for being the terribly most romantic people. But they are independant and reliable and will help you build that closet from Ikea. These skills might be lacking if all the closets in his house were built by his Dad in 1984.

So no. Do not date Dutch men who live with their parents. There are a lot of other hot, nice Dutch men out there who have their own place.

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Dating advice: Dutch men and Russian women

A Russian friend of mine in Moscow (we met while we were both living in NYC) is dating a Dutchman who is also living in Moscow. She asked me for some in insights on the Dutch character so she could try to decipher some of the cultural differences she is experiencing. Now, of course, I don’t know much about Russian dating life — all I know is what I’ve read on the internet to try and decipher the cultural differences the Ukrainian and I were first experiencing. So I’ve kept is pretty one-sided to the Dutch.

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Hi [redacted],

I am sorry I did not reply earlier. My time in the Netherlands was bittersweet and I was not prepared to think about it.

What happened with the Dutch boyfriend? Well…we had an appointment to look at a house to buy, and 2 days before the appointment, the Dutchman came to my house to tell me he had changed his mind and thought I should return to the States.

The Dutch government makes it very difficult for a foreign partner to settle in the Netherlands. My cousin went through the process (she lives in the Den Haag) — though finally escaped the worst of it as she’s actually married to a Frenchman rather than a Dutchman.

Anyway, my ex-boyfriend aside, in addition to their absolute handsomeness, Dutchmen tend to be extremely reliable and honest. They are highly unlikely to cheat on their partner. If you are with a Dutchman for a month, there is a high chance you will be with him for years, if not decades. If you are with him for a bit of time, you might find his family considering you their daugther-in-law as the Dutch often do not get married. They will meet, move in together soon afterwards, buy a house together, have some babies and maybe only then consider marriage. They don’t play a lot of games in a romance (unlike American courtship/dating). If you are with someone you are with someone.

The Dutch also don’t go in for a lot of drama. In some ways, I found this refreshing. But in other ways, it was difficult. Sometimes you need to have a good fight about something to clear the air and get your views heard. I find that Dutch people often shut down emotionally. For as honest and direct as they are in the simple day-to-day, they don’t handle confrontation well.

Dutchmen also aren’t particularly known for being romantic. It is true, they split the costs for seemingly everything and they are more likely to help you build a closet from Ikea than to buy you flowers or jewely. My boss’s wife of 20 years told me that if I wanted flowers or jewelry, I’d have to buy them myself, no Dutchman would buy them for me.

But!! I have to say, if your boyfriend is adequately Russified, then you might get the best of both worlds. If you can get the reliability and solidness of a Dutchman combined with the flowers and tokens of affection and romance as you would with a Russian, you definitely have a keeper!!! 🙂

I do want to know more about how things are going with your man. I find the Dutch people who live abroad tend to be extremely cool, Unfortunately for me, I was living in Rotterdam surrounded by people who thought that moving 6 km away from their parents was a big token of independence. Not all Dutch people are like that.

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*I would take this out of letter form, but I am busy, busy…..

Russian men bring you flowers

From 2005 – 2006, I lived in the Netherlands and had a fairly serious Dutch boyfriend. One night, in February 2006 just before Valentine’s Day, my boss invited me and my boyfriend over for a weeknight dinner, prepared by his lovely wife girlfriend-of-18-years. Midway through the meal, the conversation migrated from American vs. Dutch traditions of Valentine’s Day presents to American vs. Dutch traditions of romantic presents for your beloved in general. I made the observation that Dutch men do not seem to bother with flowers and jewelry for their wives and girlfriends.

“That is true,” said the boss’s wife. “If you want flowers, you have to buy your own.”

“That’s boring,” I replied. “Where’s the charm?! The chivalry?! The romance?!”

“Dutch men are just never going to give you romance, ” the wife girlfriend declared. “In 18 years that we have been together, I have never once received flowers or jewelry from him.” These final few words were delivered with a very pointed look at my boss.

“I gave you flowers once,” my then-boyfriend interjected, looking smug, as if he had won some sort of Dutch-I’m-so-chivalrous contest.

“Yeah, once. For Christmas. That’s it, so it doesn’t really count,” I replied. He wasn’t going to get off so easily for being lazy in the romance department.

Hei, ja! I gave you earrings once! Those red ones!” my boss exclaimed in victory, looking at his wife girlfriend as he leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head, smug as well. He could be redeemed!!

“Earrings? Earrings?” the wife turned my boss.  “No, those were red pimples for my ears! Tiny red pimples! They were the most divorce-worthy present you could give me!”

Not being able to bear a lifetime without flowers, chivalry and romance, I left the Dutchman a mere 7 weeks later (ok, maybe there were a few other reasons too — but they would’ve been more bearable with a little romance to take the edge off). Barely a year passed before I met the Ukrainian. A man with exquisite taste in jewelry, and a regular deliverer of flowers to our kitchen table. He always does it at a moment when I’m not looking, so that even though the flowers are a regular appearance, they are always a surprising appearance, thus keeping the romance alive!

Last Saturday, after the exquisitely painful experience at the vet where we agonized over just how many unnecessary tests and procedures could we deprive our dogs of, we went to Trader Joe’s on 9th and Bryant. We did our shopping, came to the checkout line, and suddenly I remember that I had forgotten to buy the dogs their weekly treats of SoftAndChewyPeanutButterYumYumTreatsForDogs. I stepped just 7 feet away from the cart, turned around, and studied the shelves until I found the box I was looking for. I turned back around, spied out cart, and saw the gorgeous pink flowers filling the cart’s child seat.

It was romance-at-the-grocery-store. Proof that being good towards your wife can be the smallest gesture of love in the most mundane moment. No special occasion needed.